


One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

by daydreamsonacloudyday



Series: Charlotte "Charlie" Shepard [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-04
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-07-20 03:02:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7387960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydreamsonacloudyday/pseuds/daydreamsonacloudyday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan tells Charlie how he feels about her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Author's Note:**

> This is right before Ilos, and it's the first time Charlie and Kaidan have talked [since after Virmire](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7347679). (They don't speak/almost kiss when the Normandy is in lockdown. They've already had [an almost kiss after Bring Down the Sky right before Virmire](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7291690), so during the lockdown Charlie just brushes Kaidan off because she's not interested in talking.) I've mentioned it before, but since this is pretty much the defining moment in their relationship in ME1, I'll say it again: [Charlie and Kaidan's relationship doesn't progress the same way it does in the game](http://daydreamsonacloudyday.tumblr.com/post/123381587442/heres-the-basic-rundown-on-how-charlie-and). There's no flirting between them, and they become friends before it develops into something more, which Charlie doesn't like because she decided she wouldn't fall for anyone [after getting her boyfriend killed on Torfan](http://daydreamsonacloudyday.tumblr.com/post/127645513285/i-figured-id-write-up-a-post-on-what-happened-to). And once Virmire happens, she's just really screwed up and it ends up affecting their relationship.

"Commander?"

Charlie froze at the sound of Kaidan's voice, hesitating before turning around to face him.

He rubbed the back of his neck, a pleading look in his eyes. "Can we talk?"

"I don't have time to chit-chat, Alenko. I've got to get ready for Ilos," she drawled.

"Please?"

Charlie stared at him, studying his face as she debated what to do. They hadn't really spoken since she yelled at him after what happened on Virmire, and she didn't know why he'd _want_ to talk to her after that. It could be about the fact that she just stole an Alliance ship—maybe he wasn't on board with the decision. If she was lucky, he might even want to get dropped off somewhere before they got to Ilos.

"All right, fine," she finally said, gesturing to her cabin door behind her. "Come in."

He followed her into the cabin, and she crossed her arms over her chest, giving him her attention. "What do you need?"

"What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard?" he asked, brows drawn together. "We mutinied. Stole a prototype warship. If they want to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping."

"Look, if you're uncomfortable with what I did—"

"I'm not. I'm with you," Kaidan replied, his eyes boring into hers. Charlie pursed her lips, shifting her weight as she stood. He sighed, looking down at his feet before meeting her gaze again. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I wanted you to know—Well, I've enjoyed serving under you."

Charlie's expression softened. _Of course_ he would say something like that, despite the way she treated him since Virmire.

"I… thanks," she started, struggling for the right words. "I've enjoyed having you on my crew. You're a good soldier… a good man." She furrowed her brows, darting her gaze away from his. "And things are going to go fine. You and the crew will make it out of this mess alive. We're not losing anyone else… I'll make sure of it."

She heard him take a step closer to her. "Shepard, what are you saying?"

Standing up straight, she lifted her eyes to his. "I'm going to complete this mission, no matter what. But if it comes down to sacrificing someone on this crew or me… like I said, we're not losing anyone else."

He stepped closer again, his eyes wide. "Except we'd lose you!"

"Soldiers die all the time, Alenko, it comes with the job. You know that," she droned, narrowing her eyes at him. "Besides, everyone on this crew has families and friends—people who would miss them. I don't."

Kaidan shook his head. "But you do," he began, his eyes searching her face. "Anderson, Joker, Liara, the rest of the crew—we're your friends. And I… I would miss you."

Charlie knew they were approaching very dangerous territory, that she should just send him on his way and focus on the mission, but her traitorous words left her mouth before she could even realize what she was saying.

"Really? You would?" she breathed, her brows furrowed as she looked up at him.

Nodding, Kaidan gave her a serious look. He lifted his hand and then dropped it, fisting it at his side as he let out a sigh. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it," he started, his voice low. "The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I… we are important right now. And this is what will never happen again. Us."

At his words, Charlie's heart skipped a beat, her mouth hanging open as she tried to find something to say while he stared at her with his unwavering gaze. She didn't realize hearing him say something like that would have such an effect on her.

She snapped out of her daze, shaking her head as she stepped back from him, pulling her arms across her chest closer to her.

"Alenko, you're just… you're scared we might die andyou're saying things you don't mean," she muttered, not daring to look at him.

"Yeah, I'm scared," he admitted, closing the distance between them. She met his gaze, a determined resolve in his eyes. "But I do mean them, you have to know that, Shepard." Kaidan took a deep breath, tentatively raising his hand to her face, her arms falling from her chest as he cupped her cheek ever so slightly. "Charlie, you make me feel… human."

Charlie's heart thrummed inside her, a lightness in her chest as she processed what his words meant. He had no idea just how much she understood what he was saying. She felt the same way—she wasn't the Butcher of Torfan with him. She wasn't a monster. She was just… Charlie.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation came crashing down on her, her stomach twisting into a knot. _This_ was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She'd let a man she loved die once before, and she couldn't go through it again, sacrificing Ashley's life because of it. She couldn't be objective when it came to Kaidan, and if she wasn't objective, she couldn't do her job.

"You should go," she whispered, pulling away from him.

Kaidan's face fell, and he silently turned to leave, his lips pressed thin. Charlie watched him move towards the door, blinking back tears as she breathed in a shaky breath.

Without thinking, she quickly strode forward, brushing her fingers against his shoulder. Kaidan stopped in his tracks, his body tensing before he slowly turned around to face her, his gaze boring into hers. She swallowed hard, at war with herself—one part of her screaming to stop what she was doing, the other urging her on. Finally, she just gave in, pressing her lips to his.

It was an explosion the moment their mouths met, their hands grasping at each other as all the desires they'd been keeping at bay were let loose.

Charlie's mind went silent, Kaidan the only thing she was aware of—his scent, his taste, the responsive little sounds he was making, his stubble scraping pleasantly against her skin while his soft lips met hers, his warm hands traveling over her body…

They stumbled across the cabin, her back hitting a wall, but she barely felt it, too focused on Kaidan's lips as he kissed a path up her neck, inching closer and closer to the sensitive spot hidden there.

"Alenko," she moaned, her fingers tightening in his hair and on his shirt when his lips found it.

"Kaidan," he mumbled against her lips, setting alarm bells off in her head. She'd never called him by his first name—it kept some distance between them—distance that should have definitely been between them in that moment.

Her thoughts were silenced when he returned his mouth to her neck, Kaidan's ministrations her single focus once again. Hooking her leg around him, she pulled him closer, feeling his growing desire for her, and she rolled her hips against his, ripping a moan from his throat.

Charlie untucked his uniform shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the side, taking a quick moment to appreciate him shirtless. Her eyes landed on the new scar he got from getting shot on Virmire, and she ignored the drop in her stomach, instead pressing her lips to his as she ran her hands over his chest and abdomen. Her fingers followed the trail of dark hair down to his pants, which she quickly started to unbuckle and push off his hips.

Kaidan kicked off his boots and stepped out of his pants, then gently tugging her towards the bed without separating his lips from hers. He lifted her tank top off and dropped it to the floor before the back of his legs hit the bed. Charlie pushed him down onto the bed, noticing a hint of blue in the corner of his brown eyes as she took off her bra and pulled off her pants, underwear, and boots.

She stood naked before him, getting lost in the way he looked at her. She felt her skin blush at the intensity and emotion in his gaze, her chest tightening—it was _too much_ emotion.

Desperate to distract herself from the _feelings_ he stirred up, she found herself staring at the bulge in his underwear, and she reached down, pulling it off of him so he was completely exposed to her. She stared at him, heat shooting to her core at the sight. She climbed on top of him as he settled back on the bed, her lips finding his as his hands traced paths over her body.

In one movement, she sat up and lowered herself onto him, both of them moaning at the sensation.

Charlie didn't move for a second, her eyes closed as she breathed heavily, until Kaidan shifted beneath her. Snapping her eyes open, she saw him sitting up, reaching for her. What he wanted was too close, too intimate, so she pushed him back down onto the bed as she started to move atop him.

A blue aura spread over his body, his biotics making him glow as they moved together, and her eyes widened at the sight. He was absolutely beautiful like that, the thought getting pushed from her head when she felt his biotics dance against her skin where they touched, the buzzing feeling only heightening her pleasure.

"Charlie," Kaidan groaned, grasping her hips tighter, continuing to meet each of her movements with a thrust of his own. The way he said her name, his raspy voice even rougher than normal, sent a shiver down her spine and straight to her core.

"Fuck," she breathed, closing her eyes and tilting her head back, getting closer and closer to the edge. She felt Kaidan's hands slide up from her hips, his arms encircling her as his chest pressed flush against hers, his lips finding the rapid pulse in her neck. With their bodies so close together, his biotics were even more present against her skin, the tingles unlike anything she'd ever felt before.

Charlie bit her lip, her arms slipping around him of their own accord, holding him as close as he could possibly get. His name, _Kaidan_ , tumbled out of her mouth and he moaned in response—a deep, rumbling, _desperate_ sound she could feel from the base of his chest, his movements becoming jerky.

He kissed her then, their mouths sloppily melding as they continued to rock together. Their kiss fizzled out, and Kaidan pressed his forehead against hers, Charlie's hand slipping into his hair to keep him close.

Moments later she reached her peak, her body tensing as she fell over the edge, pleasure radiating out through her body. He joined her, breathing her name, his fingers digging into her back as if he were clinging to her, while he shook with his release. Charlie opened her eyes just in time to see his biotics flare out, until the blue energy dissipated into a barely-there glow over his skin.

Kaidan opened his eyes and met hers, the brilliant blue tint in them fading away into his normal, whiskey gaze, the biotic glow gone from his body. Nestling his face against hers, he started running his fingers over her back, tracing random shapes and patterns over her sweat-slicked skin. He brought his hand to her face and she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. Charlie didn't want to move—she could have just collapsed into his arms while their wild pulses slowed down and their breathing became normal again.

As she came down from her high, a knot started to form in her throat as she came to her senses. She started breathing faster, her heartbeat kicking into overdrive as she tensed up.

 _What the fuck did I just do?_ she thought, terror shooting through her body. Being with Kaidan like that wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to fall for him, let alone _sleep_ with him. Her mind was racing—it was all too much at once. She couldn't do it.

Kaidan cleared his throat and his eyes opened, a small smile on his lips. "It's been a long time since—"

"Don't," Charlie forced out.

"Don't what?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

Quickly, she got off of him and started to pull her clothes back on, her back to him. "You should go."

"What?"

She whirled around, half dressed. "Get out!"

"I don't understand," he started, slightly shaking his head. "I thought—"

"You thought wrong," she snapped. "This was a mistake. I was stressed out and you were here… it was just sex."

At her words, his eyes widened, his mouth falling open as he exhaled shakily, hanging his head.

"This didn't mean anything. I don't…" Charlie got choked up, but forced herself to keep talking. "I don't feel anything for you. I never did, and I never will."

Kaidan lifted his agonized gaze to hers and she could see his heart shattering into a million pieces. Hers broke right along with his, her chest constricting painfully.

"Bridge to Commander Shepard," Joker's voice came over the comm, startling them both. "We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."

Charlie swallowed hard, pulling on the rest of her clothes. "I'm coming up. Prep the ship for silent running."

Without looking at Kaidan, she went to leave the cabin, stopping in front of the door. She could hear him shuffling around, no doubt putting his clothes back on, and all she wanted to do was turn around, apologize, and throw herself into his arms.

Instead, she blinked back tears and forced herself to leave.


End file.
